NL West

NL West

This guest post from Margaret Mills

When I watch Major League Baseball and the pennant chase, there's one team that stands out above the rest. However, they are not a team in the traditional sense of the world. The San Francisco Giants are truly a collection of castoffs and misfits. They are comprised of free agent pick ups, waiver wire trash, and guys that nobody wanted and nobody believed in. Yet despite their exiled status, each of these players were able to establish a new home in the city by the bay, found a way to ensconce themselves in a sanctuary where all are welcome.

Somehow they have been able to coalesce all these parts into a cohesive unit, one that is not unlike a bunch of smaller transformers combining to form a giant, bestial robot. This feral machine has taken it upon itself to devour and chew up the rest of the National League West, spitting out their remains and tattered jerseys like a puppy with a new toy. The machine monster known as the San Francisco Giants then ate the last remnants of Bobby Cox's beef jerky of a career, and now have their eyes set on the last remaining teams in the league. I have watched this mechanical mayhem all from the comfort of my recliner and with the MLB Extra Innings package offered bydirect.tv.

Gas & Religion

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

Web visible

My hubby has a business that has to find a better advertising approach on the internet. So many businesses today don’t fully take advantage of how to use the internet to grow their business. He found a website called blog.webvisible.com that his boss told him to get assistance. This is where their business can be more WebVisible and increase the demand for their products.

I'll Come as a Dove

The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday. Then he made a plan.

After a hectic advertising campaign the church was packed the following Sunday. The Pastor, in full cry yelled " Jesus said "I'll come as a dove"

Church members: "Amen"

Pastor: "I say Jesus said "I'll come like a dove"

Members: " Amen"

And suddenly out of the ceiling came a white dove. The Members, having witnessed a miracle started donating bucks like no man's business. The pastor was excited and in an attempt to increase his profits kept repeating his formula.

For the 4th time he yelled. For the 4th time money kept flowing.

Then he went for the fifth. " I have prophesied, Jesus shall surely come like a doooooooove from the skies."Suddenly a head appeared out of the ceiling and complained " But daddy all the doves are finished "

A surprising fair treat

Guest post written by Lisa Caudill

Now, I'm not really one for big crowds and because of that I generally avoid things like sporting events and festivals because I just don't think it's worth it to go out and get pushed around in tight, slow moving crowds. But this year my husband really wanted to go to the state fair and we hadn't gone to it since we first got married, almost 10 years ago. So I agreed to go.

When I was looking up stuff about the fair and ordering us tickets to go, I came across some stuff about a different internet service and decided to click now to check out the deals. I think that we're going to switch over our internet service to it.

Once we finally went to the fair, we concentrated more on looking at all the exhibits than riding the rides because I can get motion sickness pretty bad. That's when I saw a stand that was selling fried butter and wanted to give it a try.

A Few Pounds

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.

Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

30 Rock - My Favorite Fall TV Show Premier

30 Rock - My Favorite Fall TV Show Premier

Guest post of the week by Jeffry Warren

The 30 Rock premier was by far my favorite of all the Fall TV shows because it combined to of my favorite actors in the world, Tina Fey and Matt Damon. Damon comes back to comprise his role as the pilot named Carol, which is a girl's name, which is hilarious because Damon is the last name of a boy and Matt Damon looks like a lesbian. Tina Fey is also a woman with two names, Tina and Fey, although the spelling of the surname differs from the colloquial spelling. In any case, their relationship takes a turn for the awesome when Alec Baldwin's character, whose name I don't know because Alec Baldwin plays him and his fame is distracting, decides to meddle with their relationship at the expense of his love for the girl from the movie with Steve Carrell.

As usual with a 30 Rock show there are plenty of shenanigans and everyone is happy at the end. Happy because their is much sadness and sadness means conflict which so long as it goes unresolved will make for a good show. It is indeed a great show, my favorite premier of the season, and I would have missed it all had I not recorded it with my DVR which came as part of the package for my satellite TV from www.bestchoicetv.com. It was truly a show that was not to be missed, and I didn't.

A Really Bad Day

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

Going To A College Football Game

Going To A College Football Game

Contribution by German Flowers

Fall marks the beginning of college football season. Every year, millions of college football fans around the country attend games at their favorite schools. There is truly nothing quite like it.

Normally I spend Saturdays watching college football on my satellite television from www.bestchoicetv.com/satellite-tv/va/. However, when I have the chance to go to a game I jump at the chance. I make the short drive to State College, Pennsylvania to watch Penn State play at Beaver Stadium with over 100,000 other fans. Legendary coach Joe Paterno marches along the sidelines as he has for decades.

Normally, my friends and I arrive several hours before the game and start tailgating. We make a variety of food and have a great time. The crowd outside is already full of energy. There are Penn State cheers and fight songs happening constantly. A little before kickoff, we enter the stadium and watch the pregame activities, including the Penn State Blue Band performing. Once the game starts, we stay on our feet and cheer throughout the entire game. When Penn State scores, the noise the crowd creates is deafening. The Nittany Lion mascot does his push-ups and everyone enjoys them. Penn State has a great selection of concessions at reasonable prices to help satisfy your hunger and thirst, but you will find it hard to miss even a second of the game.

Eyes of the Beholder

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

MoveBuilder Blog

My friend works at an apartment complex and deals with a lot of people that are moving in and out of their complex. They always suggest to their renters to visit blog.movebuilder.com, which is a great place for anyone that has to move to visit to get helpful advice. She said that everyone that visits this site gets something out of it as far as getting good info to help them with their move. The short amount of time visiting MoveBuilder Blog can save a lot of time or even money by planning smarter. So, check this out and see how they can help you.

New Car

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

A taste of home

A taste of home

Guest post written by Anthony Patterson

Every time my parents come and visit me, my mom brings me a whole bunch of frozen home cooked food because she knows that I don't cook myself and even if I did whatever resulted wouldn't be edible. But I think I've found an alternative to it once I go through all the food she brings.

After I signed up for a directtv internet combo I was watching a cooking show and realized that one of the southern cooks of it actually has a restaurant here in NYC so I looked it up online and found that it was way out of my budget.

Then I found another alternative, she has a cookbook that actually is in my price range so I bought it and tried to cook something for it myself. I started off easy by cooking a casserole that I didn't burn too badly. I sent my mom a picture of it and she was really proud! Maybe there's still hope for me. At least maybe I can pick up girls by telling them that I cook.